So…Tis time for an update.

November 10, 2007 at 5:44 am (angst, Boys, life, love, Mental illness, Relationships)


So I need to update more often. Even though, I’m not too sure anyone reads these but whatever.

Everything with my boyfriend is all well and good. I mean…as well and good as it can be. He told me he loved me this week. I’m not exactly sure what to do. I mean…he’s my first boyfriend, we’ve only been dating for two months…I can’t say it yet. I hope he uderstands that. I mean…I’m damn sure he does, but at the same time I’d hate to dissapoint him in some way. I just….can’t. But he really is an awesome guy, he really cares about me and I like that. He bought me flowers just to make me smile…and it did.

In other less happy-ish news…my grandfather’s in the mental hospital. He got the flu awhile ago and I guess it started a landslide that ended in dementia. He can’t function anymore. He won’t drink, eat or even move on his own. They had him take a cognitive test of some point and he had to score a 7 to be allowed to be on his own…he scored a 4. He’s not even legally allowed to drive any more because he just can’t…function. He’s not even that old, and granted he’s unhealthy but still…the amount of time it took him to get this bad was astoundingly fast. I can’t even really stand talking to him anymore, he’s completely unaware of everything.

You know what the worst part of it is? I’m so SO afraid that the same things going to happen to my mom and then eventually me. I mean…it happened to my great grandmother, and its genetic right? I couldn’t stand to see my mom like that, it would kill me. And me personally? I’d rather be dead then be stuck in a nursing home from my 60’s on out. I hate seeing my grandfather like this. I hate it because I can’t do anything and I hate it because it seems like he doesn’t care…I just…hate it…I’m so afraid for him sometimes…



Someone tell me something good? Thank you…


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October 18, 2007 at 8:17 pm (angst, Boys, college, life, love, teenagers)

I havn’t updated in quite a long time…sorry all!

So I’m going home this weekend!! YAY!!! ^_^ I havn’t been home in quite a long time…two months to be exact. I’m excited to see everyone.

Lots of stuff has happened since I last updated. I have a boyfriend now. He’s 25, and the sweetest guy ever. I like him allot, I wish he’d let me pay for stuff sometimes, cus I feel bad that he always pays…but thats something I’ll just have to keep working on.

He’s 6 years older then me…its a little hard to handle at times. Most of the time it doesn’t matter at all. I’m mature and he’s very careful around me…but sometimes I do sorta wish I was going out with someone my own age. Not enough to leave my relationship behind, I mean I REALLY like him and he really likes me and thats all that matters…its just weird sometimes…you know?

Boy called me today. I havn’t actually SPOKEN to him in like 5 months. SUre we talked over AIM, but it was weird to hear his voice. He called completely at random to. We’re gona hang out this weekend I think, hopefully it won’t cause to much angst…I’m commited to my boyfriend and now he has a girlfriend so we should be okay…but still…he’ll always ALWAYS be the boy that could have been…which is difficult. I mean I guess I still like him…thats a lie I DO still like him, but I’ve got to come to grips with the fact that we’ll never ever be together.

I’ve moved on. I’ve got a boyfriend now who I adore and who adores me. Thats all I need.

Its just weird he called me…


yay for angst.

I should finish packing so I can go home…Talk to ya’ll later and I’ll let you know what went on this weekend. yupyup!!


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I’m feeling…despondent…

June 15, 2007 at 3:05 am (Boys, despondent, feelings, friends, gay, life, love, Relationships, teenagers)

SO, I just went over to boys house to hang out with his sister Isabel.  Which was cool, because I love Isabel…but it felt wrong somehow.

 She doesn’t know about the whole thing with her brother, unless he were to have told her…which I don’t think he did. But I mean it felt odd to be watching a movie at his house because I know that had I said something (Or had HE said something I’m not ENTIRELY at fault here) then I could have been watching movies at his house for months! But NOOOOOO he has to be to shy…and I’m just plain STUPID.


I hate boys.

Why can’t I get him out of my head. I think about him ALL the time. Well not ALL the time, thoughts of him don’t RULE my life or anything, but still. Its annoying.

You know what else annoys me? The thought that I’m the only one struggling with this. I mean do I make HIM despondent? Probably not. Although if I learned that I DID make him despondent I would be INCREDIBLY happy.

which is sad.


You wanna hear something awkward? My gay guy friend has a crush on my straight guy friend…and I don’t know what to do about it.


I hate boys.

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I think my life should be turned into a TV show…

June 7, 2007 at 5:35 am (angst, friends, life, love, Relationships, teenage hormones, teenagers)

No really, and not just any TV show but like one of the melodramatic teenage ones that they show on The N or whatever the hell that network is.


But no really.

I’ve been feeling sorta emo lately and it’s mostly because of boy. Ohhhh the things I could say about boy. Just when I think I’m over him, the world decides I’m not and everything comes crashing back down on my head like a gigantic tidal wave of teenage hormones and crushed hopes.

 I said I was feeling emo! Believe me now? I bet you do.

ANYWAY, I went to a grad party today and Boy was there. We sorta talked for awhile, but I mostly talked to his best friend, Liam (Who happens to be a good friend of mine as well). After awhile we both moved on to diffrent places in the back yard and I was able to make myself look less despondent. Or at least less like I was pining. Which I was. I won’t lie…there’s no point. So later on I ended up chilling on a hamock, which was huge and REALLY comfortable, with Erika. All was fine til boy and Liam came over and sat down. and by sat…I don’t really mean sat it was more like lie because who can really sit in a hamock?

ANYWAY there we were the four of us on this hamock, with me squished between Liam and boy. I mean I was on top of boy for like 15 minuets and it made me think of things that I COULD have had but can’t because…well the timing of life sucks.

All in all we just goofed off for a bit, he laughed at my story about how I ate crayons once when I was little (Which he said explained alot, hahaha) , and swore to me that my eyes have changed colors all this year.  Which strikes me as odd. Liam was like “You’re eyes are BLUE?!” and I was like…”Duh?” and then Liam swore to me that they were green awhile back, and Brown at the beggining of the year. Which boy backed up.

Why am I telling you this?? Dunno. *Sigh* ANYWAY!!!

Dave then came over and they tried to make room for him even though I highly dislike him for the most part, and Boy and Liam pulled me up higher on the Hamock so my shoulder was underneath Boys head.

And it was really comfortable.

God we fit so freakin well together, I mean I just feel RIGHT with him you know. and its AWFUL because I won’t see him again for a REALLY REALLY LONG TIME. S0 a relationship of any kind is OUT OF THE QUESTION.

Let me go back a bit, Boy and I got to know each other at the beggining of the year since we were both in theatre. He was in a show with me in January (Arsenic and Old Lace) and, according to Liam, he’s liked me ever since. I had a conversation with Boy a couple of weeks ago where he said he would have asked me out then but another girl had asked him to the Valentines day dance. So it never happened. And then he broke up with that other girl and we’ve been talking circles around each other ever since.

and it sucks.

Because we could have been together since January but neither of us said a friken word, and now its GONE. Because he leaves in two days for camp, and when he gets back from that camp he leaves for ANOTHER camp. Essentially he’s GONE until AFTER I leave for college.

*sigh* I hate life.

It makes me want to cry, I hate this feeling of what could have been. My advice for you is to take you’re chances and always SAY SOMETHING.

I wouldn’t be here now if I had. And it sucks.

wow I’ve rambled on alot.

Tp make things a bit more complicated, I think that sice I’ve been tryinging to get over boy, I’ve switched my feelings over to Liam.

Which may or may not be a bad thing.

I hate people…

but!! Good news I’M 19 NOW!! WOOOOOOO!!!!

I’ll post again later. Night all!!

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